Divorce: God’s Concession

Pentecost20b.06

Rev. Dr. Mark J. Molldrem

Beloved of my heart, you are the children of God: created in God’s image, redeemed by God’s love and shaped with God’s will. May this be your daily joy and your life-long confidence. Amen.

The gospel text for today (Mark 10:2-12) is a very difficult one. My first year in the parish, thirty-one years ago, I skipped over this text when it came to preach. Like me, a lot of people would like to do just that--skip over this whole divorce issue. It hurts! No married person wants to experience it. No parent wants to see it for their children. Unfortunately, for every marriage there is the possibility of divorce. Statistics tell us that the number of divorces has skyrocketed in the last couple generations. While it is true that 80% of those who divorce will re-marry, almost half of those re-marriages will again end in divorce. It becomes important, therefore, for every Christian (adult and child), and especially every married Christian, to come to terms with the unfortunate reality of broken relationships that end in divorce.

At first glance, the words from our gospel text today seem very harsh. “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” There is a sting in Jesus’ words here.

Divorce was a common occurrence in Jesus’ day, as well as it is in our own. In Jesus’ day, divorce was relatively easy to obtain. This does not mean that divorce was easy on the person. It means that the getting of a divorce was a relatively easy process. One would simply write out a bill of divorce, much like one would write out a check today.

In Jesus’ day, it was pretty much up to the man to determine if there was going to be a divorce. He could write a bill of divorce if his wife committed adultery; now, that’s pretty serious. He could also divorce his wife if she spoiled a dish of food; now, that’s not the end of the world, but that counted too. Or if she spoke too loudly in the home, or if the man simply found another woman who was more attractive to him than his wife was. Maybe the Mrs. developed a wart on her nose!

You can understand how many times the wife was given a bad deal under these conditions. The words of Jesus champion the cause of the women of his day, reflecting God’s concern that they be treated as an equal partner in the home. Jesus was trying to place a rampart around the home to protect women and children, who were so vulnerable in his day. He is saying that human things like unfaithfulness, poor cooking, conversational niceties, or the genetic fortune of one’s appearance should not be the determining factors in making a relationship work.

God calls people into gospel relationships, where the determining factor is unconditioned love, freely and generously given one to another. Jesus said to his disciples, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” In Jesus, God has loved us unconditionally. We have our short-comings, to be sure. St. Paul writes, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” But, our short-fall has not kept us out of God’s reach. In Jesus Christ, God so loved the world. God reached over the distance to forgive us and bring us back into relationship. As St. Paul writes, “In Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself.”

In our baptism, we are united with Jesus. In our baptism, God calls us into a gospel relationship with him and into gospel relationships with one another, where we are to reflect the love of God as we love one another. Our short-falls with one another should not keep us out of reach with each other.

Though marriage is ordained by God for the good of his people, yet because of our human frailties, God does not intend marriage to become a straight-jacket which we have to wear at any cost regardless of any circumstances. Jesus said that the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. In the same way, marriage was made for men and women for our good, for our growth; but we misunderstand marriage and ourselves if we think that the only reason we were created in the first place was to be married at whatever the cost. There are hard realities that are oppressive to live with, such as active alcoholism, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment. It takes two to make a marriage; it only takes one to wreck it. We are human after all, and not God. Our limits can be taxed and broken. The cost of maintaining a relationship can become too great when there are tragic obstacles blocking the blessings that God would bring, but can’t, because of what one or both of the partners are doing–not repenting, not changing, but keep doing! Divorce, then, is not God’s intention in a marriage relationship, but it may be his concession, due to our human rebellion, frailties and limitations.

The wonder of the gospel relationship that God has established between himself and us is that even in our short-fall, God loves us and promises to walk with us, even if it is down a road he did not originally intend for us. A few years ago, when I was involved with my doctoral studies on this very issue, I encountered many people who were longing for an experience of this truth. They felt guilty for getting a divorce, even if they believed it was the only reasonable thing to do. They felt left out of the church, partly because of how the church has tended to talk about marriage and divorce and partly because the church is so socially structured around couples and families and partly because sometimes church people can be downright mean.

“I want to know that God still loves me,” is the way one recently divorced person expressed her heart. A divorced man put it this way, “I need to know that God will still bless my children and me, even when we are not together; and yes, even my ex.”

When Christians divorce, they do not stop being Christian; but they do struggle with what shape their Christian life will take after divorce. It is not easy. One of the most dramatic moments in the healing process after divorce for those who participated in my doctoral study, came during the “Service of Blessing for Divorced Persons” which I wrote and shared with the people. The individuals stood before the altar, the marriage candle extinguished, and at one point in the service they made a promise to commit themselves to kindness towards their ex. These are the words that were pledged toward the ex-spouse:

I apologize for the ways I have hurt you and I ask your forgiveness. I extend to you my forgiveness for the hurts you have caused me in our former marriage relationship. By the power that God works in me each day, I promise to you, that I will treat you with kindness from this day forward. In all matters that pertain to our divorce I will be fair and in all things, I will desire your well-being as a fellow child of God.

“This is so hard, but this is so necessary,” was the tearful judgment of more than one participant. As Christians, it is so important for us to shape our human responses to life’s situations in a way that reveals God in our hearts, not resentment or spite or “getting even,” but God in our hearts.

The struggle of divorced individuals should be a reminder to each of us that we all need to be assured that God walks with us on the hair-pin curves and steep grades and even dead-end roads of our lives—to comfort us and guide us, to challenge us and redirect us.

All relationships need the gospel. Whether husband and wife, parent and child, neighbor to neighbor, fellow members of a congregation--all relationships need the gospel. All relationships are subject to sin, where everyone unfortunately contributes. Humility and confession, forgiveness and letting go of the past, repentance and finding new ways to relate kindly--these are the qualities that characterize gospel relationships.

When you find yourself in a frayed relationship and you just can’t get the lose ends connected, rather than unraveling totally, take gospel action and weave the relationship back together with the power of confession, forgiveness and repentance. Re-word your conversation in a way like what I described earlier:

I apologize for the ways I have hurt you and I ask your forgiveness. I extend to you my forgiveness for the hurts you have caused me in our relationship. By the power that God works in me each day, I promise to you, that I will treat you with kindness from this day forward. In all matters that pertain to our relationship, I will be fair and in all things, I will desire your well-being as a fellow child of God.

With this attitude, two or more Christians can solve any problem in a relationship.

Let me give you four practical guidelines for marriage and divorce:

First, it is important for the Christian couple to work daily at love. As I said before, for every marriage there is the possibility of divorce. Live daily under the example of Jesus Christ. Practice kindness in your home. Do the loving thing even if you don’t feel like it at the time. Marriage works, but you have to work at marriage. One of the biggest kindnesses you can do for one another is to pray for one another each day. You will be surprised how much your daily prayer life will shape your daily care life.

Second, despite your best efforts, if divorce seems inevitable, proceed lovingly. At any time reconciliation may surprise you. Pray for forgiveness for your failures in the relationship, and pray to be forgiving. “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” Especially when children are involved, it is so important for love to still be in the air, even if you have determined you can’t live together anymore. It is selfish and unfair for exes to dump on each other at the expense of the children. The children need a sense of security even when mom and dad are living apart. They also need models on how to move lovingly through difficult situations.

Third, learn from the experience and let the past be past. When Christian couples become divorced it does not mean that they have ceased to be Christian. By the grace of God, re-marriage may be a possibility, especially if one learns to be a better person through the ordeal. God can be thanked for the opportunity to start afresh.

Fourth, it is important for all of us together as the Church to be compassionate and caring for the divorced persons in our midst and in the community. Let no one of us judge another. We are all God’s children, all of us standing equally in need of divine mercy. In addition to this, there is much to be learned from those who have walked through such a valley of suffering as divorce if only we will take the time and be open to listen.

Though we do not always follow God’s will for our lives, God nonetheless always follows us and cares for us each stride and faltering step along life’s way. Let us learn from God and be more able to walk with one another over the rough terrain of human experience, rather than stand over against one another when the going gets tough. By the power of God, a gospel relationship binds earth to heaven; by the power of God, a gospel relationship can bind human heart to human heart, even when those hearts are broken. Amen